Your Insecurities Are Showing

I come from a long line of "misfits" from both sides of my parents. I have never felt like I belonged in most situations. This is due to my upbringing, my mental processes, my physical build, my religious beliefs, my situation in life, and the choices I have made up until now. I learned at a young age to be strong inside and not to let anyone know when I was hurt by thier actions. It was better/easier to act as if it mattered not in the least. And it left my pride in tact to some degree. Anyway, as I grew up, I became very cautious about becoming attached to any one person (excluding my mother and siblings, and even they were kept to a distance). Now, in my old age, I have very few people I trust. It took me years to trust my husband. Friends, over the years have come and gone. My family always said "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family." Most of the friends I chose were not really friends but they did tolerate me so I guess in a way their were friends. I have no contact with any of my childhood/teen friends now even though some of them live here. I have no contact with people I thought were friends when I moved away from here after high school. I have no contact with friends I have had in the years I have lived here again. I replaced all the people who might of been friends with my family members. Now I have no contact with any of them, and not many are left anyway. I know that to have a friend you have to be a friend and that is the problem. i want to do what I want to do when I want to do it, and not have to defer to other peoples wishes. So, what this is leading up to is the company Xmas party. i am hating to go. I don't feel comfortable around a bunch of people that I don't really know. I should be happy to support my husband and he has to go, (he says) but I am resentful of this intrusion on my personal wants. I am usually torn between feeling picked on because I have to give up my time for his needs and feeling quilty for being selfish about my time. All this stuff gives me a headache. Guess i'll go excape into my world of art!